Guest writer! Feces and fat kids!
Fat Kids have sweaty ass cracks…
Ok, so I’m watchin some tv last night, I have since forgotten what show it was. But I did see a commercial that stood out in my mind as utterly fantastic, in a degrading kind of way. It was for a new kind of Charmin TP. You may of seen it also, but you’re not awesome like me and probably don’t have a friend with a cool website where you can write about it on. Anyway, I digress.
Apparently this new TP is uber strong and won’t come apart mid ass wipe. They even went as far as to show those cuddly little Charmin bears with spots of TP on their asses. Then they had a square of regular TP and this badass TP and they spritzed it with some of that blue liquid from diaper commercials, and then rubbed the TP vigorously on the carpet. Obviously that badass Charmin lasted, but the regular stuff did that little “roll up and fall apart thing”.
About 7 seconds into the Commercial I started to wonder where they were going with this, because I only speak the truth when I say with absolute certainty that I have used numerous types of TP and never once had a problem with it falling apart in my ass leaving what I could only imagine looks like a paper mache replica of ground zero.
But never to be the kind of company to leave you handing, Charmin further explains the necessity of this TP by using the most fantastic line I’ve ever heard in my natural life, and I quote “Strong enough for even the largest kids”. So what the fuck does that exactly mean? I immediately assumed that it means Large(a.k.a fat) kids obviously have sweaty ass cracks and the standard TP that works just fine for everyone else clearly leaves them feeling not so fresh, and instead of telling the kids “hey, you’re fat, lose weight and you won’t stink” Charmin won the battle of fat people smell, but designing super strong TP.
So the moral of the story is. Next time you are confronted by a fat guy that has a strange odor to him, don’t be mean by assuming he’s so fat he can’t wash his own fat rolls, Just be a nice person and suggest he picks up Charmin extra strength to wipe his ass more thoroughly because you’re nostrails are on fire from the smell of “sweaty fat man poo ass crack” <- Feel free to quote me on that gem right there.
Yours truly
Vanilla Gorilla