dasramblings

This submission comes to us from a Mr. Jimbo Hastongue. In his words he wrote it from the point of view that no one has ever seen me…. and apparently on some type of hallucinogens. Either way, it rocks so read it.

“It was peaceful and warm standing in the waist high grass. A gentle breeze blew past us reminding us of smells from the forest and field. The sun was out creating a warm blanket feeling and the clear skies kept us amazed that there could be such wonderful things like this in the world. We came here for a sign and we found serenity.
Everything was harmonious. The sun, breeze, tall grass, sky working together in a perfect combination of existence, this was only unnerved by the movements of small woodland creatures like squirrels, birds, mice, and felines. Everything was perfect.
I watched the wind roll over the grass and up a hill and I….I heard the first disturbance of the day. It was a…a “Thwomp eeeennnnnnfff.” I recognized the noise. I could not remember where….. Then it occurred to me. An amp was being plugged in, that was the noise! On top of the hill, I witnessed a man step forward. He was wearing a Spartan helmet shaped to his head with a cascade of straight red hair on it stretching from back to front. In this man’s hands was a guitar. But it wasn’t a guitar. It was a double bladed axe! Twin 17 inch blades of silver reflected the sun’s rays away while being held in this man’s grasp at his side, hip high. His left hand’s fingers gripped the tip of wooden handle where they would play the six stringed instrument of war.
His black shit and pants wore a red leather vest’s colors like a creature God had created for this moment and time only. Locks of blonde hair touched his broad shoulders from under the helmet and made him look like he was almost on fire. He lifts his right hand to his face, slides his cool shades down to the tip of his nose and smiles on top of the hill looking down on us. Extending his right arm into the air, his hand holding the metal sign and yells, “BBBUUUUUUUKKKKKKKKAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEE!”
AT LAST WE HAVE FOUND OUR SIGN! He begins to play the first cords of “HOLY DIVER.” Astounded the group realizes we are still in a field, not with waist high grass but it is a tailgate field of grass. A tailgate that can only take place at one bitching site, Penn State! Suddenly we notice the smoke of a thousand grills cooking food and hear the “clank” of one hundred thousand beer bottles coming together in celebration of this helmeted player and his song selection. Cheers arise from the crowds of people like the slow growl from a lion just as the axed player starts to play the notes of the chorus.
Realizing we are all now in the midst of a PSU tailgate and our friend is playing a spectacular guitar, we begin to shout and scream! Joining in with the crowd we sing the lyrics to our friend and he starts to headbang to the music while playing. More and more people are coming over to this tremendous explosion of talent. The player begins to pick the final notes of the song and he looks out to the crowd. A Smirk on his face becomes a full-fledged big teeth smile as he lifts both arms in the air with the metal sign showing on both his hands!
The player hears the crowd’s approval and lowers his hands twisting as they come to chest height flexing while still holding the metal sign. He shouts!
“I AM AXEMAN!”
Bursting with excitement and emotion the crowd erupts and the group we that we are shout while jumping and holding our sign of metal! Yes, we have our sign and it represents the horns of metal. We hold it high and proud while the Axeman begins a new song “The Ace of Spades” on his axe-guitar.”

Rock on. :metal:

It’s funny earlier in the day I was talking to my friend Patty about how I haven’t been stupid drunk lately and slurring my speech. Well, last night I obviously accomplished my goals. Wow.

What gives me the retard award is the fact that I flooded my furnace. See, my furnace was made around the time that dinosaurs walked the earth and it’s a POS. It never refills it’s water being a steam furnace. Basically during the cold months I have to keep putting water in it 2-3 times a day. Last night while trashed I put what I felt was enough water in my furnace. Apparently I put a little too much because I flooded the whole fucking thing extinguishing the pilot light. When I woke up this morning to the sound of my fucking cat puking on the floor again it was a tad cold to say the least. I couldn’t re-light the pilot because well, it’s under water right now. Oooops.

For as loaded as I was I don’t feel all that awful right now either. It’s a good thing. I can probably go another round tonight. Yay.

My cat has puked again since his morning barf woke me up. He’s totally worthless. If he was a dog and not a stupid ass cat he would’ve eaten it by now and been more than happy about it. However being a cat he puked, left it for me to clean up then bothered me to be fed again. Fucking cat..

Tonight I told a chick that a triceratops had spikey shit on it’s tail to defend it’self

I turned down pancakesd in order to have Tarnowski Kielbasa    which I will puke up at some point.

Right now I just ate halfa ring and drank some water so my haed doesny explode and my blog is ended. That would bre a bad Easter and Jesuss would be pissed about it.

So I  called thisd chick right… sghe asked me for a ride homr the other night anmd I refused cuz it’s likewtf!!! only call me when you need a ride?? Bukakkkkeee!

I need teh sex. Dry spells suck. This is when I find a fuck buddy and they do me for a year and then get married. It’s totally jacked and unapproptiate.

I really think I may puke and myh cig tastesa like cheeste. I really hope I dont choke on it and die. That would piss off my soul.

I needa  chick to do me. It’s been too long. I’m a virile dude wi th lots of  passion which needs to be releasedf. If I was a homo I’d be gettinmg laid by now but I’m not. Fuckin gay people and their sodomy.

My cat is black. He tried to steal my tv but I commited a hate crime agasinst hi m and he reported me to Al ShArpton. WWWWTTTTFFF????

Heu Bri.. GIVE ME A TATTOOOOOOOO!!!!! Fuckin shit ball cum suck mushroom.. heheheh

What???

SO yeah.. Got beer.. got shots.. got liquor and soda.. going to puke and keeping smoking. One time slugs crawled on me on a chicks porch that smelled like sour milk. It was gross.

Thanks for reading and habve a splendid day/evenng/afternoon.

JUgh.

It was suggested to me to extend an invitation to those who would want to write something here. I’m all for it. You could be smashed, sober, pissed, horny, indifferent, etc..

Basically, just email me the blog and I’ll post it for you. If you want to be anonymous or known that’s fine.  Hit me up at cswarman@gmail.com with your submission.

We’ll do it this way until I can figure out a login process and have guest writers.

Have at it.

Disclaimer – guys you may want to stop reading now. This blog involves my dick, an evil zipper and bare skin.

Alrighty.. tonight I experienced a new pain. It’s the pain of my man meat being clasped in the jaws of death otherwise known as my zipper.

Being I wear boxers sometimes my junk wants to hang out of it’s confines. Tonight was one of those unfortunate times.

While kicking back and talking to Joe Bed I went to take a leak in my bathroom. Something I’ve done countless times before. Being I was in a bit of a rush I was hasty. I guess I was distracted and didn’t notice my exposed salami.  I did my normal quick unzip… however this time the Gods of the penii were against me. As soon as I got to half unzip I caught the top part of my dick in my zipper of pain. Let me tell you it was quite a wrenching pain. Being my junk wasn’t at full attention I got some of the more loose skin caught up for what seemed like 10 years. To say it was painful would be an understatement. I let out a little yelp like a newly castrated dog and fixed the problem. The damage was already done though. I had broken the skin and drew blood.

Now, with my luck I’m going to meet a girl tomorrow who will want to get down. I’ll have to decline of course. Sure, I could wear a condom but I’m sure the friction would make me explode and turn the rubber into a blood balloon. Nothing says “I dig you baby” like a blood balloon hanging off a wounded dick.

Anyway, I cleaned it up with soap and water. I’ll be damned if I put peroxide or something on it. Can you imagine?? Uuuuuughh..

Thankfully I heal quick and should be good within a week. Still, this is an unpleasant experience I won’t soon forget.

p.s. Ugh. My dick.

Why is it that when you’re unemployed and collecting people think you have nothing better to do than help them?

Currently instead of working on my house I’m waiting on a call back about a tire for my dad’s car. Basically he has a flat and needs to throw a used one on there for the time being. This is well within his means to do himself. I’ve done it when I was at work a few times. Still, I get to do it. Now granted my folks help me out and I have no problems doing favors at all. However it does get on my nerves when it’s something simple.

My Nana is another one. Since I lost my job I’ve been her personal chauffeur and all around go-to guy. She’s another one who I don’t mind helping. Although now she just assumes I’ll be there to cart her around. Yesterday she told me she needed me to take her for a hair appointment on the 15th of March. HELL NO! That’s the Scranton parade. That shit is like Mardi Gras in the cold and no way I’m missing it. She got mad because I wasn’t catering to her and I “didn’t have anything else better to do”.

Being unemployed is pretty much the same as owning a pickup. Since you have it people assume you’re always willing to lend it out to move their shit.

I’ve become pretty good at filling my day lately. I work out, work on the house, organize shit, do research – it’s not like I sit here doing nothing. When my “rhythm” is interuppted it gets on my nerves. Right now I feel I’m just wasting time waiting on that call. Blah.

That’s about it. Yay.