dasramblings

I’m high. Not the good kind either. I am pretty screwed up off of paint thinner. See, I got in the mood to remove 300 years of paint from my bathroom door tonight. The reason I did this is because it was peeling off anyway and it needed to be done. Every now and then I’ll get in a mood for home improvement. I’m currently ventilating my house in hopes I won’t puke my face off and then pass out from the fumes.

What makes me really angry is that people tend to paint over things with 432.1 coats of ugly ass colors. Originally, the door was a nice stained color with excellent grains in it. Of course some fuckbag had to go and paint it a nice light blue circa 1963 I’m assuming. Why they would do this I have no idea. From the way the house is set up I can’t even fathom how it would’ve matched anything.

I swear I just saw a dragon flip me off. Yup. I’m high.

Sadly, my job isn’t even done yet. I still have to clean up the errant paint slop that got on my floor. Hopefully my cat won’t eat it in the meantime because that means I’d have to clean his dead ass up as well. Smelly freaking cat.

That’s about it. I know my readers needed to know about my night. You’re better people with this knowledge. You may think you’re not but you are. Pat yourselves on the back. All 4 of you.

For some reason www.dasramblings.com is broken. This annoys me because I wanted to post this there. However I zshall copy and paste it in its form as it is rigfhtr now.

Ok, I’m eating pizza I made a nd my fucking cat ir going “mu-ROWR! mu-ROWR!” and I’d really like to kick him. However I love animals and will not do that. I really want to though

I made Elllllllios pizza and put it in my fridge. I made it better tho and I’ll tell you why. I put hot sauce all up in that bitch. I ate a peice and I’m probably going to poo hard tommorow. I blame everyone but myself.

Right now I’m smoking a cig. I’ve smoked enough tonight but IO’m doing it anyway. Kmow y? I’m fucking retarded. I hjate my lungs and they hate me. TGI Fridays makes good shrimp.

Um so thats it for now. I drank alot and accomplishjed my mission of drinking alot. GODZZILA!! ( BRI will get that lol)

Alright I cant quite typing so     I’m going to keep going. Ummm.. Yea. Its wierd to verbalize your thoughts when yours nose is numb. Numb? yes nmumb! Bukkkkaaaaeee! Damn Japanese.

Well thats it. I’m a fucking mess andf I need to watch psu tommmmooorow win hopefully. So eat my balls and goodnight.

Yup no shit. Being a man this is an odd thing. Here’s the back story:

Went to see the doc for a checkup. Told her about this lump I had right below my right tittaaayyy..  I’ve had it there for years but I figured I’d tell her and get it checked out.

Anyway, I see a tit doctor a few weeks ago and he recommends I go get an ultrasound.  I got that today. It was pretty neat but odd at the same time. I felt like cracking a joke like “so, is it a boy or a girl?” but I figured the tech heard that from other awkward guys she’s pinged with her staff.  Her assistant was cute though. However I felt it inappropriate to strike up a convo while having my chest checked out.

Ok, so I’m done with that and I’m not pregnant. I go back and wait for the mamologist or whatever they’re called bring me in. I get called and go into the room. There is this big fucking machine and a glass blast screen that the tech stands behind. I guess maybe they’ve had some exploding boobs in there before.

So she tells me to take off my shirt again obviously. I stand in front of this big ass piece of death machine and she then inserts my chest into it.  I figured I’d just rest it on the table. OH HELL NO! In comes the jaws of death and they pretty much squeeze the hell out of my tit! She then puts me in some contorted position and takes a picture with the machine.

After that I figured it was over – it wasn’t. The next pose I had to do was with my leg over my head, my right arm up my ass and my right tit smashed into the car crusher yet again. I only had to pose like that for 30 seconds. It kind of makes you think that they make you stand like that for a cheap laugh.

Either way I have a new found respect for women and those tests. Hopefully I’ll never have to do that again. I think I’d rather have my prostate examined.

In case you’re wondering I don’t have cancer. Woot! Go me!

First let me say I appreciate the artistic work in Anime. However what I don’t understand is the plot lines involved. For example last night I was watching “Bleach” on Adult Swim. I haven’t seen this show from the beginning so I have no fucking clue what’s going on. It does however have the standard Anime themes. Here’s my observations:

1.Most the chicks have big boobs and always wear schoolgirl outfits.
2.If they’re not schoolgirls they’re some kind of badass
3.No one EVER brushes their hair unless they are said schoolgirl.
4.When they sweat it’s never in small droplets – it’s always a gallon in one huge drop somewhere on their body. Usually the face or back of the head.
5.Everyone in the show has some sort of tortured past or they’re just a fat retard.
6.There’s always some sort of demon, angry rock, pissed off cloud or evil dude sitting upside down in the middle of whatever planet or plane of existence they happen to be on/in/around/above.
7.The latter can NEVER be defeated and laughs maniacally whenever challenged. However they usually are temporarily defeated only to come back in flashbacks or haunting the current characters.
8.If they have weapons they’re usually the best damn weapon you can find. Either it grows to a huge size, glows or comes out of their ass.
9.Tons of heavy breathing. Toting those huge weapons really wears them out.
10.Inanimate things usually talk or help them in their journeys.
11.Sometimes they have wings, tails or 12 dicks for no good reason.
12.Their heads can expand and contract at will. Sometimes the mouth will get huge or very small. Kind of like a flesh balloon that can talk.
13.Exclamation points appear all over the place when they’re angry or surprised. I can’t figure out why these aren’t used as weapons since they’re everywhere.
14.If they’re dead they’re really NOT dead. They’re usually chilling somewhere playing cards making gasping noises and talking really fast. Sometimes they watch the living waiting to be re-born.
15.They all look American but always have really long Japanese names.
16.Every main character is a ninja/samurai/sorcerer/hare christna. The normal people usually live in oppressed town that the bad upside down guy is about to destroy.

I could go on but I don’t feel like it. Instead I took 5 minutes and made my own character. I call it Yamigooshu. He’s a pissed off motherfucker from the planet Shamadoopie and he loves Elvis.

Here he is:

Yea.. Weird stuff..

So I have no idea what to write. I’ve been having a bit of a mental block lately. Actually nothing new has happened. The problem I’m having is that I’ve been away the a lot of the more recent weekends. This kind of hinders my drunken writing since I’m away from my normal bar and “normal” state of creative intoxication.

So here’s a few random observations:

1. Chinese food bloats you and makes you shit like your bowels are jello.

2. “Diet” anything is probably worse for you than eating a pound of water infected with AIDS.

3. Why the hell do people feel the need to drive slow in the passing lane? If they just pulled over to the right 50% of road rage would be averted.

4. Could Chuck Norris brew a beer so strong even he couldn’t drink it?

5. Why is pork white and ham red?

6. If a tree fell in the woods and no one was around to hear it would I still want to beat the piss out of people who TyPE lIkE tHIs? LIkE OmG!

7. Will the Chinese ever come up with an original design for an automobile?

8. Why do I punch my friends when I get drunk and let them punch me back? Drinking would be so much better without waking up sore.

9. How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if he was on Meth?

10. If a train headed west was going 45mph and a train headed east was traveling at 56mph but loaded with hippies who had afro-beards at what point would you dress up like a bald chicken and put clothes pins on your genitals?  – The answer is 7 in case you couldn’t figure it out…dumbasses..

How’s that for random? Fuck yea!

I was told to write a blog about a girl at work. Actually the girl at work told me to write it. So here it is…

 She’s my friend Nicole and she’s odd. Still I enjoy that because if you’ve been reading what I’ve written you know I’m not right either.

Anyway I’m not sure what to write about her. She’s sitting across from me right now in the opposite cube. I just heard her refer to her period. It’s enthralling. Nothing like crotch blood. Weeeee!

 What else.. what else.. She’s about 5’2, a brunette and is a sexy little thing. If she wasnt I doubt I’d be writing this. I wouldnt mind getting my freak on with her (which she knows) as well. I’ll see if I can get some pic of her to post up. She’s looking for a “cute boy” every now and then. Maybe one of you will be the lucky ones.

 Oh! She also hits herself in the the lip with a bat and never eats her lunch. That’s good for me since I get to be the lunch disposal for her.

 I can’t think of much else to discuss about her that she may or may not get pissed about. All I know is she was supposed to take me to Red Lobster like 3 months ago and she uses the word “like” as punctuation when she’s talking to her friends.

 So like, that’s about it for now. Like yea and stuff and junk.

So I’m at the doctors office this morning to get a checkup. There’s two older ladies sitting to the left of me chatting. In walks a mother and her Satan child. This kid had blaze red hair and was loud as hell. (It was 8:30 in the morning – not a time I care to be in public or annoyed) Anyway, this kid is screaming his head off. Of course the two old ladies thought it was cute as hell. They asked him “what’s your name?” Instantly the kid screams in a non-sensical voice “SHAAMFDSFISSSHHDDIGG!!” Now this kid had fucking PIPES. Every shrill from his little vocal chords made my brain bleed just a little bit more.

The mother of course loves the strangers affection towards her child. He’s the most beautiful thing ever. Hubby Satan was no doubt at the pitchfork factory earing a living for her and their child. She keeps prodding the kid saying “telling them how old you are” and “go ahead.. tell them your name” to which the kid says “uuuhhhmmmmRATYTSKILLLARRFUMCHOOOO!” I swear I saw fire come out of his mouth on the last one.

Mercifully the mother decided it was time to go to Wal-Mart and buy some more flame retardant clothes at low, low prices. Serenity was attained yet again.

Anyway what I’m trying to say is this – if Satan’s child comes into a public place with other people please don’t talk to him.

Oh yea I don’t have a problem with little kids. I only have a problem with them when they’re screaming in my ear and the parents think it’s fucking cute. It’s not.

Bonus material!!!

The following is an excerpt from the two old ladies chatting:

Lady 1 – You have a lot of hair on your face

Lady 2 – Ohhhhh! I guess I forgot to shave this morning.

Ewwwwwwww!