dasramblings

There’s not a damn thing on T.V. tonight so I’m watching “Dancing With the Stars”.  She’s performing 9-5 right now as I type this. I’ve gotta say she looks pretty good for being 104 years old. Of course she’s had a lot of work done which bring me to the following questions:

1.If she got too close to a flame would she melt being half plastic?

2.If she were to deep sea dive and didn’t decompress properly would her chest explode from the pressure?

3.Does she have to oil her joint hinges so they don’t rust?

4.If she cuts her lip does goo from the injections ooze out or is it blood?

5.Does she even have blood or is it fomaldahyde?

6.Is she like the Highlander where you have to cut off her head to kill her?

7. When she takes off her wig for the night does she put it in a cage or let it sleep at the foot of her bed like a dog?

I know these are deep questions and now from reading it your brain is probably bleeding. Sorry about that.

I’d still do her though. 0_o

 I hate those “OMG! You opened this so if you don’t forward it you’ll die” type bulletins. This is what I came up with one night after a little bit of booze.

OMG you just fuckin opened this! If you don’t repost “My dog ate my cheese” 5,001 times a blind monk will come to your house, violate your plumbing and then piss in your ferns.

Do you want that to happen? Hell no! I only reposted this 4,999 times and I’m still getting the monk excrement out of my pvc piping! It’s a mess that owns router rooter. You DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE SERIOUSNESS (that a word?) of this bulliten!!!!!

If you value the luxury of flushing you’ll repost the hell out of this.

Do it.

Do it now.

Do it before it’s too late!

Think of the innocent ferns for once in your lives..

Tonight I have nothing entertaining to say for some reason. I guess it’s beccuase I cant think straight or type worth a damn. My keyboard is from 1975 and the keys have food in them. I should stop eating cereal on my keyboard. Fuckin milk!

I’m drinking water now to rehydtate. My throat hurts from all the cigs I ripped down tonight. I’m smoking right now like an idiot. When I wake tommorow I’m going to feel like a peice of shit on the bottom of a shoe made out of evil.

Speakling of evil shoes.. anyone ever wear them? My last evil shoe tried to take my soul and abuse it over a game of scrabble. WTF?? MY soul would definetly own a shoe in a game like that. ALSO!!! Some homo tried to steal my shoes once. I let his weird ass in my house to party and he left with my fuckin sketchers!!! I wanted to flog him but they were returned.

I cooked a pizza halfway through tonight. The middle was cold. I ate it anyway. I dropped half on the floor and my cat refused to eat it. I really hate him but he headbutts me which is reddeming and shit.

Tell ya what.. beer, soco, jack and steg owns my polish/german/welsh/unkrainan ass. I enjoy it out of stupidity though.

So that’s it. My foot itches and I need sleep. Tommorow I’ll wake up feeling like I ate a bucket of cotton. It’ll suck but it’s worth it.

Pz..

Last year I had to fly for work to a show. I haven’t flown since 1993 when I went to Florida. Obviously a lot has changed since then.

To start the trip I fly out of a local airport. Nothing exciting and not very big. I didnt realize it but my license was expired. I do however hold a concealed weapons permit which WAS valid. Security had no issue with that and let me on the plane.

Fast forward to coming home after the show weekend. We are flying out of the Atlanta airport and I had to pick up my tickets. To do so I had to show a valid ID. Welp, being mine was expired I had to jump through about 43232324.1 hoops to get on the damn plane.

First of all I lost my group since I got held up at security. I contacted them and told them what was happening. My boss wasnt happy due to my stupidity. After that I walked around the general “office” area of the ATL airport twice looking for the room I needed to find to get a temporary ID.

After the nice broken engrish security lady showed me where the hell to go I was in business. In the room I found what I thought was a man – it wasn’t at all. The “lady” who worked there had a full beard, uni-brow and a very nice mustache. She however was a nice woman who helped me out. What she had me do was get my picture taken by a camera that was from at least 1940 – I’m surprised it didnt have the flash bulb that only worked once and exploded. I had to pay 39.00 for this temporary ID. Apparently if you have two 20′s on you and can pose for a picture you’re not considered a terrorist anymore.

After that ordeal it was off to security. I get to the major line of pissed off people taking off their shoes and throwing their belongings on a conveyor belt. I followed suit… my wallet, shoes, smokes and remaining self esteem were in those three plastic buckets on the belt. I was almost home free!

The feeling of freedom was short-lived. The large black security guard thought I was an obvious threat and put me in the glass hamster cage that only opens out. The whole time I’m waiting for someone to gank my shit off the belt. Thankfully everyone was too involved in their own personal violation to steal my gear.

So I’m in this damn cage. Another equally large and black guard gets me out. He helps gather up my stuff then says and does this: (puts on rubber glove) “Sir, we can do this here or in private” I’m totally tripping right now. I figured I was about to be in a public airport rape scene and I’d never see my family or shit solid again. I said to the guard “are you fucking kidding me??” to which the jolly fellow replied “naw.. I’m just fuckin’ with you… here’s your stuff and have a nice flight”. At that point I wanted to punch him and hug him at the same time. It was quite an odd feeling.

As you could imagine now I’m a marked man. I caught back up with my group and headed to the bar. The airport bar was like an old school opium den. It was basically the only place you could smoke on our level of the ATL airport. It was run by a german woman who now reminds me of the grandmother from “Beerfest”.

After I caught a small buzz and satisfied my nicotine craving I settled in for a nice 3 hour delay. As soon as we were allowed to board guess who they pulled aside? Yup. Me. They made me look like an asshole for an additional 10 minutes while they checked out my 1940′s temporary ID. They did let me on the plane and I made it home.

Needless to say I don’t plan on flying again for a very long time. If I’m going anywhere I’m driving.

Texting and emails.

OK, we’re in a communication age I understand that. Still, the more I talk to people they more they rely on emails, texting and shit like that.

Granted, these things are great for avoiding confrontational situations. They work for doing it to ex’s, people you think are a dick or just for random crap.

However what gets me the most is when I get a text message. Personally I have a house phone and a cell phone. PHONE! If I want a text message I’ll just on aim and chat. Why text someone and wait for a response when you can just call them and verbally speak? It the reason we have these technologies.

Granted, text messages are good sometimes. If you’re in a bar and it’s too loud to talk that’s acceptable. Work, class – times you SHOULDN’T be doing it are acceptable as well.

However, texting someone on their PHONE to try to get plans for something is dumb as hell. To quote one of my favorite after 2am on the weekends porn commercials “Pick up the phone!”

p.s.-if you text me, I’ll CALL you back.

All I have to say is DAMN!

OK, I have more to say… The little fucker has been shedding all over my house for the past 3 months. Today I decided to try to get some of that excess fur off and help his little stupid ass out. He sure didn’t appreciate it at all. I was able to hold him down for like 3 minutes and was able to wash his ass and thats about it. He had the crazy “I’m going to rip your throat out” eyes going on so I figured it was enough. Now my stupid cat has a clean ass and will most definitely bite me next time I pass by.

Anyone want a cat? Seriously. I’m a dog person – at least they listen.

I’ve been thinking about this for awhile due to a thread started on my car club’s message board. I’ve also had in depth discussions with people including T.P. for props and I have weighed the options and have concluded:

Crumpling and wiping front to back is the supreme way to wipe your ass.

Why do you ask? I’ll tell you why!

When one crumples the toilet paper it’s faster than having to roll it around your hand. Sure it’s only seconds but add that up over your lifetime and the amount of shits you take. Let’s say you live to be 80 and are a regular shitter. That’s 29,200 times you have to wipe your ass. I’m only counting 1 wipe per time to simplify it. I won’t take mudbutt or the runs into consideration for lack of time to write this.. So, if it takes you an extra 2 seconds to fold over crumpling you have wasted 58400 seconds or 973 minutes or 16 hours. I know it doesn’t seem like much and 2 seconds may be too low of an estimate. I watched someone demonstrate his folding abilities and I’d say it was 2 seconds more than my worst crumple.

Regardless that’s one point for crumpling and zero for folding.

My second point is coverage. If you’re an accomplished crumpler you have a nice wad of paper to clean your crack and have the most surface coverage. It acts almost as a mold to your asscrack and contours while cleaning. Folding seems to me that the uniform paper would crease and give the possibility of getting stuck in one’s ass or not providing enough coverage and rendering the wiper’s hand shitty.

Score 1 more for the crumple!

My last point is efficiency. If you crumple you can use less paper and get maximum coverage and finger protection. With all the money you save you can get yourself some of that nice aloe vera toilet paper instead of the cheap “recycled from dead poor people” Wal-Mart paper.

That’s three points for the crumple.

OK, onto the back to front or front to back methods…

I’ll make it simple – if you wipe back to front you’re going to get shit on your junk. Whether you’re a male or a female things are going to get stinky. If you’re a guy with low-slung nuts you’re especially at risk. You may as well wipe your ass with your saggy balls and cut to the chase. If you can’t break the habit of back to front then at least take a shower after your shit. You’re significant other will thank you and be happy they’re not going to die from dysentery.

In closing…

Crumpled front to back > Folded front to back > Crumpled back to front > Folded front to back.

Ok I need to stop watching the National Geographic chanel…

Picture this – you’re a normal -sized ant with less than desireable mandibles. You’re chillin with your colony and having a few fermented forrest floor apples while waiting for the kids to hatch. All of a sudden you hear the trampling of 10,000 plus feet bearing down on you. One ant looks to another and he’s like “what the fuck nigga??!!” Here comes these huge motherfucking ants and take all their kids before they’re born! Assholes!

Know why they do this? Turns out the bigger most ass-kicking ants steal the eggs right before they hatch so they can make them slaves. Apparently they’re such assholes they dont feel the need to work for themselves. Basically when the eggs hatch and see the muscle bound mandible rich assholes they think “poppa! I love you!” when instantly they’re bitch-slapped into servitude. Aint that a bitch?

So essentially they have to work for these shitheads till they die or they get eaten. Nice life.

Fuckin’ ants..

These are some of my more interesting posts and bulletins I’ve sent out over time.. Some may be new to you and some may be old news if you’ve read my myspace blog page:
“Memiors of a man who drank too much” -January 14th, 2007

—The night started off grand. Fermented alchohol to be drank, women to be oggled and nicotine to be ingested.

Gladiators batteled (is that a fucking word???) on the plain of play. Eagles soared, Saints prayed and triumph. The gospel of the NFL is close to complete.

We jump in the VCR of life and fast forward. This is when people called me. Offered me to come drink with them.. Alas, I am one with blemishes on my record and cannot indulge in my rightful place of booze. They must frolic without me!

Alas I am at my common place – a place where I have seen many times before. A place where liquor and beer flow freely. A place called.. called.. Theo’s.

A pox on thee who did not roll with me tonight. Only the one called Arthur dare impibe with the sweet sauce of inebreation. He hath brought forth his booty call of yon woman to which he may or may not hath scored.

Young Arthur may have left my side but he hath left me with fair maiden Christine. She poured her spirits unto my cup so I may drinketh it down.

OH! Fair maiden Lynn rolled upon my presence. For she was one with the spirits and joyfully afforded me some southern spirits. YAY is here and her milestone birthday. May she not have a head tremore worthy of Zeus himself and may she rest in a nightfull and peacefull slumber.

Cliff’s notes -
Chris is drunk and he’s talking like a knight of yore for some fucking reason.

SoCo > Me. —

“As I rest” March 25th, 2007

—My night has come to the drunken pinnacle that only yuengling can provide…

Nicotine flows through my veins and coppaheads piss is possibly about to vomit upon my porcelin chariot of fecal matter.

Tonight I overpaid for that which is black and/or tan. 13.00 for that which I can achieve for 18 and then recieve 24!!! Beer tyrants!

My cat is evil and has tried to eat my foot. Fortunatly he didnt realize his mission and chewed on the hide of my boot. He is beligerant but persitant. He will probably finish me one day.

I need to hydrate so I may forgo the hangover which will aproach me in the sunlit waking hours.

The coppa and I have reached out to people but they have yet to respond. It is apparent that they are deep in slumber and wish to not be disturbed. I cannot blame them because soon I will be as comotose as they are.

As I type the man who is known as coppa is making strange noises upton my guest accomodations. I pray that he is not touching himself and about to stain my freshly made sheets. For if he does I may be forced to flog him mercilessly.

As I light another stick I feel the smoke in my lungs.. Its almost pointless at this time of the morning. Still, I destroy my inner linings with its sweet caress of nicotine.

“Jelly..WTF?” April 7th, 2007

—Ok, it’s lent. I havent really “observed” it since it started. It’s all an old school scam made by fuckin roman fishman to get the assholes to eat fish to stimulate the economy.. (or something like that)

Anyway, being Good Friday I decided to be good. Thats tough when you’re drinking. I ate tuna, granola bars and bananas all day to hold up my religious tradition.

Fast forward to about 20 minutes ago. I got home from Theo’s and I was hungry. I have some quality smoked keilbasa in the fridge calling my name – I denied it out of faith. I make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to help soak up the booze like a good christian.

WELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL… the fucking jelly TURNED ON ME!

When I made the sandwich it was firmly in the middle of the bread. I smashed it between a hunk of natrual peanut butter. “There’s no way it would escape to the outsides of the bread” I thought.

Unfortunatly for me it did. As I sat down at my computer to eat I felt a “splat” on my leg. It wasnt a good “splat”. It was a jelly “splat”. These are my favorite jeans! Everyone knows that grape jelly does NOT come out of fabric. I ripped to the kitchen sink and quickly dabbed my leg with warm water and soap. Hopefully it wont set in because I was a ninja of cleanliness.

So that ordeal was over.. I walk back to refresh my drink (Black vodka, lipton diet lemon iced tea and grenadine.. ick) and what happens? I step in a pile of Jelly! Now my white sock is stained with purple evil. Needless to say I left my sock in the kitchen. My cat will either eat it or piss on it. Thats what he does.

All I want to do is eat grape jelly. Why does it have to fuck with me?

Now I have a stained sock and jeans on that makes it look like I pissed myself in ran