dasramblings

I hate pelicans. Let me tell you why.

1.They smell like rotten taint

2.They steal your TV when you’re not home. If you happen to be home they do it anyway and don’t apologize.

3.They get jobs that are meant for polar bears who are more qualified.

4.IF you call them a pelican they get mad. However if they’re in a group chilling in a swamp it’s ok.

5.They smell like menthol

I’d also like to take this opportunity to thank Kife for farting on me all night. It was wonderful. I felt as if I was in a video game. Basically I was the hero and he was the evil shit demon who kept putting hate clouds of fuck on my “guy”. If I were to take count I would’ve died on 20 different occasions. I’d rather be eaten by an alligator in pitfall.

I’m also going to say that it sucks being the last one awake. I took a 40 minute reboot nap earlier. It wacked me out a touch but helped. Now everyone is crashed the fuck out and I’m obsessing about pelicans and farts. What kind of fucking life am I leading? I need to go back to farming sheep and selling them for heroin.

On a lighter note the days are getting longer. This means that if you’re out hunting smurfs it will be easier to catch one. Little blue fuckers are tough to see at night. I NEED smurfberries. They go good with sheep heroin.

Feel the burn….

…when you wake up in your own bed and don’t know where you are

…when you had to take a shit when you went to bed but don’t when you wake up. Where did the shit go???

…when you wake up, your underwear is down but your pants are up and buttoned. How does that happen?

…when you write the worlds best song drunk but don’t record it or remember it.

- Pretko plays with a bongo cock! A bongo cock! Pretko plays with a bongo cock merrily every dayyyyy!

…when you wake up, realize you’re in a bed with someone you shouldn’t be, walk home THE WRONG WAY and end  up eating a red egg salad sandwich at snappy’s only to find out it’s ham and you’re still quite drunk.

…texting people at 12:30am when you’re loaded. They know you’re drunk and damn well don’t want to hang out with you at that point. Obviously you should’ve called them earlier.

…7.00 jack and coke pitchers

…This morning

…The fact I don’t have pancakes and really want them

…why am I typing “…” before everything I type?

Ugh. I’m going to surf the web and take a phantom dump I think. My sense is not making.

Kife’s birthday. Strippers and booze and viruses. Guuitar heros and sleepyhead. I am junk at this point. My nose is raw my throat is that of sandpaper and my liver paINS Of   DRUGS. Sorry about the caops I be the fuck.

I have liquid cominbg out of everywhere that it should noot but I percebver. Fuck./ I’m, doner. Tell your friends of my legend.

About 15 minutes ago I found out that my ex girlfriend has a new man. Normally this wouldn’t bother me but I really did like this girl. I had to end it because of distance. I really felt that it wouldn’t work. We were both starting new careers and barely saw each other. When I did see here though it was always great. We had a short time together but I’ll always have the memories.

Sorry that I suck tonight. Just feeling fucked up. Next time I post it will be about midgets and ass-pigs. Hoo-fucking-rah.

To all of those who read this I just want to wish you a happy new year. May it be prosperous and full of sex. Get some!

To those who have negative things to say or think about me.. I hope a fucking airplane falls on your head and smashes your head straight through your ass. You’re not good enough to associate with me and I hope the pain that I’ve felt throughout my life hits you ten fold.

That being said I’m only buzzed now. I’ve smoked many a smoke and drank many a drink. I may or may not remember this. I’m tired as fuck and my feet feel like they’ve been lit on fire, had midgets dance on them and BBQ’d my toes in acid. However it’s the only way I’m able to stay awake to party.

I had like 4 red bulls and vodka tonight. I also had 2 Monkey Boys as well as Southern at the house and shots. It’s suprising to me that I can still type. I guess anger helps the mood.

Ever been on a good high where you’re feeling good about yourself only to have someone bring you down? That happened to me tonight. I had a great night. Feeling good, making new friends and enjoying what the new year had to bring. One person and one comment ruined it for me. Why do people have to be so petty? Are they unhappy with themselves? I’d love for folks like that to walk in mine or other people’s shoes sometime. We’ll see just has condesending one can be.

Anyway enough of the emo shit… Happy New Year to all and to all a drunken night!

I just got home from a shift of boozing. It started at 4:30 pm and involved Magic Hat #9, Lager, techno destructo, shots and more Lager.

Today however was a glorious day. I passed my licensing test, my mom’s eye operations worked out and she can see better now and I caught a buzz. I also drank with buddies and laughed a lot. I also smoked 2 packs of marlboros in a span of about 18 hours which is a lot for me. My lungs shall drown in plegm for the next few days.

As expected I’m sitting here smoking one more and drinking my nitecap of water. It’s the only thing that keeps me from hating my brain in the morning. Although I will be hydrated my throat will be as raw as a pigs ass after the nuclear holocaust. WORTH IT!

It’s great to accomplish things. This whole ordeal with me being a licensed appraiser many years in the making. I’ve wanted to do it for at least a fortnight. What?

Anyway, I fucking rock and all 3 of my readers should at least bow to me for 2 seconds and bask in my temporary glory.

I’m tired. My cat put hair on me and Zoey is a submissive bitch.

Night my peoples.

I just got out of the shower about 30 seconds ago. While I was in there I was thinking to myself how weird I felt. Basically the warm water was hitting me but I couldn’t feel my appendages. It was like they weren’t part of me and transparent. Quite and odd sensation. The only “foreign” thing I have in me right now is SoCo, whatever that’s made of (love) and the evil that’s put in Diet Pepsi. I fully realize I sound like a hippie on an acid trip but let me assure you that’s not true.

While I was in the shower I snorted soap up my nose and also got some in my mouth. Apparently I lathered too vigorously and had some collateral soap inhalation.

Anyway, I’m hoping this is a precursor to the night’s festivities. While everyone is out buying milk, eggs, bread and KY Jelly I’m going to be at the bar drinking my face off. Why do you ask? I’LL TELL YOU WHY!!! Because I can… and it was an extra shitty day at the office. Overtime is good – stupid people are bad.

I just called my friend Gump and told him if he didn’t come out to drink with me I was going to chop him up and serve him as stew. You’re a better person for knowing this.

That’s about it for now. I’ll be back later with another insightful drunken rambling.

Until then…

I don’t know about you guys but I could go for a bagel with cream cheese on it right now.

I just ate some turkey, called my ex and said hi. She likes cream cheese as well. We should eat cream cheese and bash my fucking furnace with a hammer.

Know what else we should bash with a hammer? Abercomie  and fitch fuckers. I’d love to put their spike hair, swiss cheese shoes and striped shirts in a blender and make a faggot milkshake out of their ass. Of course I’d hit them with a hammer both before and after the grinding. Bitches.

I’m drunk and it’s what you want. My back also hurts and I have turkey in my teeth. It will annoy me in the later a.m.

Peace.

For some reason www.dasramblings.com is broken. This annoys me because I wanted to post this there. However I zshall copy and paste it in its form as it is rigfhtr now.

Ok, I’m eating pizza I made a nd my fucking cat ir going “mu-ROWR! mu-ROWR!” and I’d really like to kick him. However I love animals and will not do that. I really want to though

I made Elllllllios pizza and put it in my fridge. I made it better tho and I’ll tell you why. I put hot sauce all up in that bitch. I ate a peice and I’m probably going to poo hard tommorow. I blame everyone but myself.

Right now I’m smoking a cig. I’ve smoked enough tonight but IO’m doing it anyway. Kmow y? I’m fucking retarded. I hjate my lungs and they hate me. TGI Fridays makes good shrimp.

Um so thats it for now. I drank alot and accomplishjed my mission of drinking alot. GODZZILA!! ( BRI will get that lol)

Alright I cant quite typing so     I’m going to keep going. Ummm.. Yea. Its wierd to verbalize your thoughts when yours nose is numb. Numb? yes nmumb! Bukkkkaaaaeee! Damn Japanese.

Well thats it. I’m a fucking mess andf I need to watch psu tommmmooorow win hopefully. So eat my balls and goodnight.

 I hate those “OMG! You opened this so if you don’t forward it you’ll die” type bulletins. This is what I came up with one night after a little bit of booze.

OMG you just fuckin opened this! If you don’t repost “My dog ate my cheese” 5,001 times a blind monk will come to your house, violate your plumbing and then piss in your ferns.

Do you want that to happen? Hell no! I only reposted this 4,999 times and I’m still getting the monk excrement out of my pvc piping! It’s a mess that owns router rooter. You DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE SERIOUSNESS (that a word?) of this bulliten!!!!!

If you value the luxury of flushing you’ll repost the hell out of this.

Do it.

Do it now.

Do it before it’s too late!

Think of the innocent ferns for once in your lives..