dasramblings

After being told I need a bigger penis for the upteenth million time, I updated the site and added some more spam blocking shit to hopefully make it less of a pain in the ass for everyone’s favorite hardcore alcoholic guitar playing jerk.

<3

Jeebus

Who invited bukakke? Why do the Japanese feel the need to cum on everyone but yet blur out the genitals in all their porn? I can’t elaborate more because I’ve never drowned anyone in a sea of swimmers. Fuck.

Let’s discuss donkeys. They’re lazy, they smell and probably sell crack to poor people in Africa. Still, they don’t flaunt their wealth so I can’t fault them for that. They need to cut back on fiber though.

I’m going to sing Rammstein now.

DASHNAREFUGNIKOOOOO FIRE FIRE!! GARSHINFUNDOOO GRRRRRRR FIRE FIRE!

(Translation – I love puppies while resting before a romantic fire and I hug my mother regularly. )

Have you ever considered mating a tree sloth with a gargoyle? Would it defend the innocent or be really fucking lazy and eat grass? Would it turn to stone or just sleep all the fucking time? Would it be an asshole or I regular super hero? It’s tough to say.

Ok I’m out of nouns and my eardrum just exploded in something other than ecstasy.

This is a story from my favorite 10-year old crackhead. More to come I’m sure. I can’t even think this shit up when I’m loaded.

once opon a time there was a girl named  lillie she could fly punch a
dent in mettle without getting hurt her coolest power was she could
fart/poop out rambows pluss she can live forever.the day she was boren
was when the first rainbow was made (well duhh she was around because
she made the rain bow)ANYWAYS…2010 years later in the year of 2010
she had to make a new rain bow a big one and she needed help so she
hyred gay man(the man who can fly fart/poop out rainbows and one he
flys he has a whistle in his but that souds like this whhhhheeeeeee
ohhhhhhh weeeeeeee whhhhhoooo)so they fleu up ate some beans and
started farting
 when they were done lillie praposed to gay man he said he was
allready married to a man!!!

The following is a recorded conversation on Facebook one Saturday night very late in the evening/morning.

“2:28am
fucker

2:32amGambini
im am ahitfaced!

i nailed a chick in the seecret bathroom at the woodlands aka lounde area and used a rubber…she was a whore 1/2……i hate her and wanted to skull fuck her

i threatened to kill her dog if she ever offended me and she agreed. yup, shes stupid….i like stupid bc they belive me….smack on the ass for artie

i skull fuck pelicans and leave them brain dead…..bc i hate them and they hate mne…so feelings are mutual, pelicans

2:34amSATAN!
lol

dude thats epic

02:34amGambini
im pissed

i fucvked a girl, gafe her my heart

anmd shre gsve me her humber and never responded bavk, fuckin whoire\

2:35amChristopher Walken
you sir asre drunk

2:36amWaupelican
i feel like googling her adress and skull fuck her infront of her kids

fuckin little demons

i think i gave her dog taurets tho…i proved my balls are larger lol

2:36amGod of you all
dude.. lol

omg

2:37amJohhnynutsack
yea, good for that dog, it prob has the twitches now….fuckin g loser dog

id punch ever dog in the face if it came up to me

id let it live its lifestyle of doggystyle and see how he likes it…fuckin poodle

2:38amMaster of all
best conversation ever

I hate pelicans. Let me tell you why.

1.They smell like rotten taint

2.They steal your TV when you’re not home. If you happen to be home they do it anyway and don’t apologize.

3.They get jobs that are meant for polar bears who are more qualified.

4.IF you call them a pelican they get mad. However if they’re in a group chilling in a swamp it’s ok.

5.They smell like menthol

I’d also like to take this opportunity to thank Kife for farting on me all night. It was wonderful. I felt as if I was in a video game. Basically I was the hero and he was the evil shit demon who kept putting hate clouds of fuck on my “guy”. If I were to take count I would’ve died on 20 different occasions. I’d rather be eaten by an alligator in pitfall.

I’m also going to say that it sucks being the last one awake. I took a 40 minute reboot nap earlier. It wacked me out a touch but helped. Now everyone is crashed the fuck out and I’m obsessing about pelicans and farts. What kind of fucking life am I leading? I need to go back to farming sheep and selling them for heroin.

On a lighter note the days are getting longer. This means that if you’re out hunting smurfs it will be easier to catch one. Little blue fuckers are tough to see at night. I NEED smurfberries. They go good with sheep heroin.

Feel the burn….

…when you wake up in your own bed and don’t know where you are

…when you had to take a shit when you went to bed but don’t when you wake up. Where did the shit go???

…when you wake up, your underwear is down but your pants are up and buttoned. How does that happen?

…when you write the worlds best song drunk but don’t record it or remember it.

- Pretko plays with a bongo cock! A bongo cock! Pretko plays with a bongo cock merrily every dayyyyy!

…when you wake up, realize you’re in a bed with someone you shouldn’t be, walk home THE WRONG WAY and end  up eating a red egg salad sandwich at snappy’s only to find out it’s ham and you’re still quite drunk.

…texting people at 12:30am when you’re loaded. They know you’re drunk and damn well don’t want to hang out with you at that point. Obviously you should’ve called them earlier.

…7.00 jack and coke pitchers

…This morning

…The fact I don’t have pancakes and really want them

…why am I typing “…” before everything I type?

Ugh. I’m going to surf the web and take a phantom dump I think. My sense is not making.

I haven’t logged in here for about 8 months. Needless to say I had 15,000 “comments” about making my dick bigger while getting ripped I have to moderate. 769 pages to go! Yea!

Thankfully I got drunk on 22oz of Arrogant Bastards the other night and convinced Mr. M to make a fanpage on Facebook. Seems to be going OK. Time will tell.

Sadly I’m not drunk right now. I’m in a drug-induced zombie coma that prevents rem sleep. It’s not to the point where I’m losing my mind yet but that shall come soon no doubt.

The drugs also leave me horribly uninspired. I can’t think of a damn entertaining thought, quip or anecdote  right now.

I’ll throw some general knowledge from observations I’ve had lately instead..

1.If you see a tan Camry in State College stay out of it’s way. There’s probably Asians driving and they WILL hit you.

2.There are a lot of people out there who can’t spell. They’re also ignorant of most browsers spell checkers.

3.I’m surprised that Facebook is the new hotness and Myspace is dying. Bet the people who paid 500mil for it a few years ago are pissed.

4.Binge drinking is only fun if you’re at a party and you don’t end up alone on a floor with a cold cheeseburger by your head.

5.My friend Art enjoys being punched in the face when he’s drinking. I still don’t know why to this day.

6.Everyone is dumber than I am unless I say so.

7.If you live in an area that’s either going to shake, flood, blow away or provide no food you should move.

8.Take personal responsibility for your actions and quit blaming other things and people. You did it. Man/woman up to it.

That’s all I have for 5:54am right now. Maybe there will be more later..

Kife’s birthday. Strippers and booze and viruses. Guuitar heros and sleepyhead. I am junk at this point. My nose is raw my throat is that of sandpaper and my liver paINS Of   DRUGS. Sorry about the caops I be the fuck.

I have liquid cominbg out of everywhere that it should noot but I percebver. Fuck./ I’m, doner. Tell your friends of my legend.

Kife and I went to a “discount clothes” place today. It was a place for second hand clothes. Oddly enough I found one thing I liked that fit – my stand by black shirt. I wear black/dark colors a lot. Sadly I’m as pale as a dead albino’s ass and it makes my head look like a 300w lightbulb on top of a black curtain. Still, it’s sliming. Yay.

Back to the point.. what the FUCK is with the “in” clothes today? Every fucking thing had some kind of embroidered ebonics-inspirted claptrap of fuck. If it doesn’t chances are it’s a brightly colored homosexual rainbow-esque travesty. I don’t want a shirt that says “John Deere” on it outlned in gold sequins. I could give two shirts about a green shirt that says “New York” in a offset font. I’M IN THE MIDDLE OF PENNSYLVANIA!

Some of the shit is ok. Things that have a small logo on them in a mostly solid color are good with me. However these things are hard to come by. When solid colors and short sleeve’s come back I’m going to be one stylish motherfucker.

Since we’re on style what the hell is up with guy’s hair styles these days? Why do you WANT to look like people looked like in the 70′s? That was the ugliest age of man. I’d rather wear a white wig from the 1700′s and leggings than walk around like a self-involved douche fuck with my “I just came in my hair and messed it up so I can be trendy” haircut. Fuck. That.

Essentially.. Be who you are. Don’t be a sheep. Fucking putzes.

About 15 minutes ago I found out that my ex girlfriend has a new man. Normally this wouldn’t bother me but I really did like this girl. I had to end it because of distance. I really felt that it wouldn’t work. We were both starting new careers and barely saw each other. When I did see here though it was always great. We had a short time together but I’ll always have the memories.

Sorry that I suck tonight. Just feeling fucked up. Next time I post it will be about midgets and ass-pigs. Hoo-fucking-rah.