dasramblings

As some may know I’ll be moving to State College shortly for a new job. I have 5 days to get my shit in order before I start.

Everything was going fine. I have a place to stay there, got a job I wanted, a woman I’m into and life is generally good. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop and it did.

Today I learned that a loan I was looking to get didn’t go through. It happens and I hold no ill will. I did need that loan to fix up my house and get it up to snuff so it can be rented. Now it’s going to be a big pain in the ass and it will take longer than expected since I’ll have to save the cash over time.

The above didn’t bother me half as much as I am now. Here’s why - my neighbor is looking to get into a new place. My place would be perfect because it’s right across the street from them. They’re also willing to do some work as they lived here in lieu of rent discounts. I was told today that they’re willing to do that as I was working around the house. I went as far as to re-arrange everything so they could get in here by the first of next month.

Well about 15 minutes ago I get a knock on the door from one of my neighbors. He tells me that since he won’t get the room he wanted at my place they’re out of the agreement.  So basically as of now I don’t have the cash to do it myself OR people to rent it. So I’ll be paying a mortgage and possibly rent in SC for awhile. Not to mention I’ll be renting to people I probably don’t know and go through that whole hassle.

I just had to rant. I’m so fucking pissed right now it’s just silly.

Anyone want to loan me like 5 grand? Ugh.

Today I went to hell a.k.a. Luzerne County Property Tax Reassessment. Not only did I go there and waste my time I had to put up with the hording masses of unwashed, unemployed bitchfucks.

This brings me to a general observation of society as a whole. When you put a bunch of strangers in a room a few things are going to happen. Here’s a few:

1.They will strike up a conversation with you whether you want to talk or not.

2.They will smell

3.They will be unkempt and look like they were just at a double wide convention

4.They will be old and find another kindred spirit of oldness to which they can complain to about everything from the plight of the noble amoeba to the reason they’re where they’re at.

5.They will be very fat and require a scooter or walker for mobility.

6.They will keep to themselves, wait their turn, get shit done and get out the door. (this accounts for maybe 10% of the total group)

Anyway, there’s this guy there. He had the worst “valley accent” I’ve ever heard. (living here all my life that’s something to be said) Whenever this dude spoke it was always “up on da hill” or “around tree I went to da sto’ ta git mah tree hunner an fiddy dolla check cashed sincin’ I dun have no bank account”. It’s worse than a southern accent. What also kicked my ass about this dude is he’d ask this jew-fro guy a question and before the guy could answer Mr. Tree would shout “WHAT!?” or “HUH??!”. He did this after every question presented. I wanted to stab him with brick. Twice. In the eye.

There’s also the complainers. The fuckers that back the whole damn process up. They’ll complain and complain about the raise in taxes that it took THIRTY FIVE years to change. (I’m sorry, tirdy fi’ years for my valley friends) Regardless, that long without a substantial reassessment really isn’t all that bad.  Sure it sucks - especially with the economy these days but there’s not much you can do about it.

My favorite people of course are the obese folks with walkers and scooters. They need special treatment due to the fact they cannot stop the motion of hand to food, food to mouth. Ok, some folks have glandular problems and I understand that. However not everyone does and these people suck. Not only do I have to look at them and their fat oozing over their moo-moos but I have to support them because they’re “disabled”. Get off your fucking scooter and walk fatty! You’ll live longer, feel better and be more pleasing to me. (which of course is all that matters )

That was my day. It was productive but annoying. This is why I hang out with a few friends at bars. At least I know at bars everyone there has pretty much the same agenda I do.

I didn’t feel like going out tonight due to lack of funds. For some reason I decided that drinking cheap, old vodka would be a good thing to do. Bad fucking idea. As of now my vision is that of a singular line of light that has no other direction than straight. I fully believe that the vodka was pissed in by a hippie on acid at my last party.

I also pinched a nerve due to my ample surfing tonight. My pinky is numb. This is nothing new - it happens from time to time. However tonight it’s a bit more prolonged. Actually now that I remember that’s why I started drinking in the first place tonight.

My cat is freaking the fuck out. I just ate some pizza and feel like puking or sleeping.

Actually, I don’t have a damn entertaining thing to say tonight. I’m feeling pretty stoic for the most part. I need to be entertained. My mind has too much on it. Questions, problems and uncertainties - the stuff stress is made of. Yay.

It’s been awhile since I’ve thrown down some knowledge on your asses. Unfortunately, I am without knowledge now so all I can do it lay it gingerly upon your glutes. ENJOY IT!

As always I have smoked too much. However it only cost me 67 cents to do such a thing. Bow to my economics.

Actually, bow to everything. Bow to my water, my beer, my ass, my brain and my mad tunneling abilities. I’m like a fucking troll with dynamite up in this bitch!

So um.. yea.. I drank a bit tonight but not as much as I normally do. I think I’m getting old and responsible which hinders me from putting my mind on a different plain of oblivion. HOWEVER I’d still hit evil does with a railroad spike to thwart their evil plans.

So here’s something weird. I just went to brush my teeth. I have one of those mirror/storage things where I keep my brush and paste. I opened it, brushed my teeth, looked back up and was surprised that I didn’t see my reflection because the door was open. Quite perplexing.

So anyway. Um…fuck.. I’m out of ideas. This blog is the quintesential “ramble”. It’s random, stupid and quite honestly sucks. I need more material. Submit material before I smite each and every one of you.

Ham.

Recently my buddy Jim passed away. Before his Myspace account gets closed I wanted to save some of his blogs for posterity’s sake. Here they are:

“Is it odd to wear your socks until they smell? Even if it means wearing them three or four times, is that odd?

Is it odd to be 27 and still watch satuday morning cartoons?

Is it odd to sit around and think up things that are odd? That is definitely odd… I am WEIRD! YES!

Is it odd to insist on getting a pen to write again just to put it away and not use it for a good long while?

Is it odd to know how to sharpen your own knives?

Is it odd to get a sense of peace while sharpening your own knives?!

My friend has three spices, Salt, Garlic Salt, and Butter Salt. Is that odd?

Is it odd to put salt on chicken wings?

Is it odd to own 17 mug warmers?

Is it odd to buy a beer just because it has a cool shaped bottle and is called the “Growler?” I didn’t even like the beer just the bottle.

Is it odd to not really know what to do with a comma? I mean they are little things! , look at that! Look how small it is. I know how to use it in most situations but not always in the middle of a sentence! Oh well.

Is it odd to want to steal an English book to learn how to definitely use a comma?……. Yeah.

Is it odd to fart in your sleep?

Is it odd to be proud of the title “Atomic Ass?”

Is it odd to be proud of farting while you sleep and wake people up but you never wake up from the sound of the blast?

Is it odd to disturd your neighbors because you fart so loud and often? I never have my neighbors come to me cause I fart so loud but I have heard them pause after I have farted…..

Is it odd to speak of a lot of flatulence in a blog?

Is it odd to own 57 knives?

Is it odd to see ducks and know there are no bodies of water even relatively close?

Is it odd to buy an outdated game system to purchase a game that is actually a collectible?

Is it odd to keep on rambling like this? No it isn’t but it is time to go! Have Fun, Good Luck, God Bless, and Enjoy!”

“Is it odd to play Wii bowling and bowl your average??? Because I did…..

Is it odd to fart and try to smell it??? I know disgusting but oh well….

Is it odd to burp and keep your mouth closed but be so loud you sounded like you had your mouth open for a belch??? hhhmmmmm (I am a loud belcher and belch so loud often that even closing my mouth it can still be heard. But I say excuse me!)

Is it odd to want to catch a cold that makes you sneeze a lot?

Is it odd to think about paperclips as a great invention????

Is it odd to be mistaken for several other people in several other places and cities??? I am like sasquatch. I have been spotted everywhere and apparently everyone likes the other people that I look like. The person mistaking me for someone else is alwas happy to see me…. I haven’t been told to fuck off yet…. That would be cool.

Is it odd to want to walk some where and be told to “Fuck off!” then think it is cool???…..

There are a lot of “Is it odd” questions. These are just some of mine. =0D”

This is Jim’s famous kick-you-ass-sideways juice:

“I don’t know if I should be posting this so openly…..yeah Yeah I should, no one else will try to make it so lavishly. But my reciepe consists of:
apple
watermelon
sour apple
peach
strawberry schnaups

cherry
blueberry vodka (You can try grape vodka but I have found that it over powers the mix and it ends up tasting like cough syrup.)

melon liquor

rum 151

 

Mix with hawaiian punch(or sometype of fruit punch alternative; Weiss fp, Walmart fp, etc.) and 7up.

But you can get away with just using strawberry, watermelon, and apple schnaups, cherry, and blueberry vodka, and the 151 with fruit punch and 7up.

For 3 gallons I would use one bottle of 151 and half bottles of all the schnaups and etc. with one gallon of fruit punch and one 2 liter of 7up. If need be for a big party I use 3 bottles of 151 and full bottles of the schnaups/vodkas/liquor.

 

For 3 gallons I use a gallon and half of alcohol and a gallon and half to Fruit Punch/7up suedo ratio. For 5 gallons it is like a 1 to 1.5 ratio. I saw 2 full gallons of alcohol before I added the fp/7up. So it was like 2 gallons of alcohol and 3 gallons of mixers. Hence a 1 to 1.5 ratio. You want to keep it as a 1 to 1.5 ratio for any amount of this stuff you are making. Remember 151 can substitute for the same ratio with 7 gallons.

 

And the ku de grah, serve with ice or over ice to chill the mix. Makes it nice and devious to the consumer. “Oh this tastes great! You can’t taste the alcohol at all.”

2 and 1/2 cups later, they are sitting in a chair seeing stars and watching the room spin.

I am Jimbo, this is my jungle juice receipe. I live in PA where everclear isn’t sold. =0D =0P =0I “

 

 

“Well I watched a video on youtube that I found while doing research. It was basically a so called “pagan” explaining why he became a pagan after being a catholic for so many years. He said something that made sense. He said that in catholism there is always an opposite. Good/evil, light/dark, etc. But if you think about it there is always a fight. Some type of struggle. It is not neccesarily like that in nature where the hypothesis came from. Yes in nature there is predator and prey. HOWEVER, if there were not predator; prey would over populate and essentially eat all. Example: when rabbits were introduced to New Zealand they had no natural predators and ate all the grass.

Same as with toads in Australia. it was on accident but the toads have run rampant and killed other native species. Hell look at the human race. We are ab;e to live everywhere and kill thousands of species, not to mention take even more land of other predators that hold the balance of an area. Example: keystone species like bears, wolves, alligators, tigers, lions, etc. Because of our moving around also introduce foreign species to lands that cannot sustain that type of species. Ex: pigs, goats, rats, etc.

My point and that guys point is that nature isn’t a battle of good and evil but a balance and harmony of give and take. Plants grow, rabbits eat plants, and wolves eat rabbits. It is a chain and it is control. If one overpopulates the area is in disarray. It is a balance, a harmony. Not good and evil, just harmony.”

“I am drunk you bastards! Drunk! I am drinking whiskey chilling it with pop cyclesor however you spall it!@!!! I am drunk!!! So Forget You! or as stucd cantrell said, “Forget’em if they can’t take a joke@!”

I am drinking whiskey and liking it! No one will com..e and help./ especially the ppl with cigarettes!!!!! I need one!@….. To caswell, I Love you@!!!!!!Come and drink!!!!”

“If I have to listen to that damn smiley face say “I’m counting down the minutes,” one more time when I am visiting someone’s page. I will break my speakers and smash the monitor!!!!Why does myspace have to advertise those shitty little things! If you download them, it is just a breading ground for parasites! Not to mention if you send the damn things to someone who doesn’t have an updated video card or computer they can’t see them anyway!!!! WTF!

Die you little yellow pissed stained whores!!! They are everywhere! Kill Them!!!! Look! They are every where!!!”

“The first player of this game starts with the “6 weird things/habits about yourself” and people who get tagged need to write a blog of their 6 weird habits/things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end u need to choose the 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says “you are tagged” in their comments and tell them to read yours.

1) I can get paranoid about small things and will keep checking to findout if it is there. Example, if I think I have a booger hanging from my nose or if I think I got pee on my pants or if I think I forgot something like a credit card from my wallet or even if I did or didn’t lock the door. Isn’t that lovely???

2) Whenever I go somewhere I always have my wallet and keys.

3) I wipe the dust off of random things.

4) I have 3 of my sister’s dresses hanging in my room and I still can’t remember why….

5) I keep camping equipment in my truck at all times and I have considered keeping MRE’s in my truck.

6) I own 26 knives and have 26 books on world mythology! Both collections are going to grow also!

Yes, I am weird I admit it willingly…sad part is that list can go on for a while!!

I have tagged Fran, Joe, Alicia, Kelly, Sexy, Angela Nicole, and Hollie just because I like to bother Hollie! I also know Hollie will do it b/c she feels obligated or the guilt will consume her! Muhahahahahahahahahahahahaha

To the rest….=0D =0I =0P Ha Ha!………hehehehehehehehehe

(The format should allow alt commands!!!)”

…the boy just wasn’t right and that’s why we loved him.

Fat Kids have sweaty ass cracks…

Ok, so I’m watchin some tv last night, I have since forgotten what show it was. But I did see a commercial that stood out in my mind as utterly fantastic, in a degrading kind of way. It was for a new kind of Charmin TP. You may of seen it also, but you’re not awesome like me and probably don’t have a friend with a cool website where you can write about it on. Anyway, I digress.

Apparently this new TP is uber strong and won’t come apart mid ass wipe. They even went as far as to show those cuddly little Charmin bears with spots of TP on their asses. Then they had a square of regular TP and this badass TP and they spritzed it with some of that blue liquid from diaper commercials, and then rubbed the TP vigorously on the carpet. Obviously that badass Charmin lasted, but the regular stuff did that little “roll up and fall apart thing”.

About 7 seconds into the Commercial I started to wonder where they were going with this, because I only speak the truth when I say with absolute certainty that I have used numerous types of TP and never once had a problem with it falling apart in my ass leaving what I could only imagine looks like a paper mache replica of ground zero.

But never to be the kind of company to leave you handing, Charmin further explains the necessity of this TP by using the most fantastic line I’ve ever heard in my natural life, and I quote “Strong enough for even the largest kids”. So what the fuck does that exactly mean? I immediately assumed that it means Large(a.k.a fat) kids obviously have sweaty ass cracks and the standard TP that works just fine for everyone else clearly leaves them feeling not so fresh, and instead of telling the kids “hey, you’re fat, lose weight and you won’t stink” Charmin won the battle of fat people smell, but designing super strong TP.

So the moral of the story is. Next time you are confronted by a fat guy that has a strange odor to him, don’t be mean by assuming he’s so fat he can’t wash his own fat rolls, Just be a nice person and suggest he picks up Charmin extra strength to wipe his ass more thoroughly because you’re nostrails are on fire from the smell of “sweaty fat man poo ass crack” <- Feel free to quote me on that gem right there.

Yours truly
Vanilla Gorilla

Fucking cat does not appreciate my attention. The little bitch will shit on my floor, meow incessantly to be fed and then bite my ankle. However when I’m drunk and want to throw him around he becomes a bitch! I wish he was a dog. He’s not though. He’s a minority cat who put hair in my eye and now it hurts.

SO here I am. Been boozing since 6:30. Went to Theo’s, met the new bartender (who I’d enjoy penetrating) and drank some beer. I then went to Nitecaps and drank more beer, rum, vodka and more beer.  I am the proverbial bucket of fuck. Granted my typing seems good because of spellcheck.

It was Karen’s b-day. She was drunk. Good for her. I got the same way. I just ate a vitamin and it is one with glory. My leg has been in pain all night for some fucking reason. IT’s annoying and worrysome. I don’t think it’s a clot but it sure sucks. Nerves are a whore.

Whores.. yea.. whores rule. I wish I had one right now. Why you ask? So she can paint my ceiling. I’d make her a paint whore. Wow.

Anywizzle.. it’s memorial day weekend which would normally rule because I had a 3 day weekend. Unfortunatly I’m not employed right now so it really doesnt matter. Ain’t that some shit??

So my water is bought and has a sticker on it that say so. WORD!

Um.. I don’t know what else to say. Maybe BUKKKKKAKKKKKKKKKEEEEE!!!! Fireburner likes when I mention that so I will.

Well fuck me running I have nothing else and it’s last call so I can’t go to the bar. Cock whore! That’s right! COCK WHORE! turrets and terrorists!

Ugh.

We all know what Myspace is. It’s an addicting little website that your grandmother probably checks out. However, it can be annoying. I’m going to list things in no particular order that piss ME off. Granted I’m a grumpy fuck but maybe it’ll hit a nerve.

1.The “Status” people - Why the fuck do you have to tell me you’re sleeping, at work, touching naked baby dolls or any other insignificant thing? That feature is there to put fun little quips and not to update your friends about your last bowel movement or R.E.M. sleep. Get over yourselves.

2.Bulletin whiners - These are the people who will just send out a “my life sucks” bulletin or something like that. It’s just a fish for attention. I will admit in a drunken rage I’ve thrown a few of these out. I deleted them after I sobered up though and punched myself for being such a shithead.

3.People who fish for comments/compliments - This probably annoys me the most. The lesser of the offenders are the ones who post bulletins saying they have new pics up and you NEED to look at them. Why? If I wanted to e-stalk you I’ll be on your page everyday anyhow. Shut up. The worst ones are those who will go to other people’s page and say something like “Whats up? Nothing here. Doing anything tonight? I can’t because I have cancer.” Now you feel obligated to comment back and validate this person’s fragile emotional state. Of course they’re looking for “awwww man that suuuucccckkkkksss.. Sorry about the forehead tumor… We’ll have to get together once you get it lanced off with an ax”. That makes the fisher feel good for the time being.

4.Strangers and friend requests - We all get the porno slut every now and then wanting you to check out what’s currently in her vagina on her webcam. I know it’s fake, hopefully you know it’s fake. They really don’t bug me. The ones that bother me are those who are legit people. They’ll request you and you add them. After that they make no attempt to talk to you. Why? What’s the point? Is my picture that fucking cool where you needed it on your list? Shoot me an email, get to know me. I’m pretty fucking cool. After about a week or so I’ll just delete them since it’s pointless.

That’s all I have bumping around in my head right now. I’m sure I’ll think of more in the future. Right now I’m out of ideas though so come back soon!

I just got home from a shift of boozing. It started at 4:30 pm and involved Magic Hat #9, Lager, techno destructo, shots and more Lager.

Today however was a glorious day. I passed my licensing test, my mom’s eye operations worked out and she can see better now and I caught a buzz. I also drank with buddies and laughed a lot. I also smoked 2 packs of marlboros in a span of about 18 hours which is a lot for me. My lungs shall drown in plegm for the next few days.

As expected I’m sitting here smoking one more and drinking my nitecap of water. It’s the only thing that keeps me from hating my brain in the morning. Although I will be hydrated my throat will be as raw as a pigs ass after the nuclear holocaust. WORTH IT!

It’s great to accomplish things. This whole ordeal with me being a licensed appraiser many years in the making. I’ve wanted to do it for at least a fortnight. What?

Anyway, I fucking rock and all 3 of my readers should at least bow to me for 2 seconds and bask in my temporary glory.

I’m tired. My cat put hair on me and Zoey is a submissive bitch.

Night my peoples.

Tonight I hung out with some old school buddies I haven’t seen in ages. What’s great about that is you just pick up where you left off. The initial “so what the fuck are you doing these days?” gets covered and you revert to drinking. Regardless it was fucking cool as hell. I saw a guy tonight that I knew since I was 6 years old. No pretenses, no bullshit and no agenda. It was just nice to roll with him and have a good time. It’s hard to find that kind of history with new friends. You’re constantly trying to impress/not piss off/feel them out. I didn’t have to do that tonight.

Also, it’s amazing how much mood affects drinking. I sauced pretty hard tonight and I barely have a buzz to show for it. That’s because I wanted to not be a sloppy bitch in front of the old school GL/Nanticoke people. Which brings me to the point that Nanticoke Area in it’s hayday has bred some of the best drinkers in PA. I don’t think any other area can compare to us. Bow to the Trojans!

Sorry I’m not a blithering idiot tonight. Just not in the cards. Had to drive and all that good shit.