dasramblings

I hate pelicans. Let me tell you why.

1.They smell like rotten taint

2.They steal your TV when you’re not home. If you happen to be home they do it anyway and don’t apologize.

3.They get jobs that are meant for polar bears who are more qualified.

4.IF you call them a pelican they get mad. However if they’re in a group chilling in a swamp it’s ok.

5.They smell like menthol

I’d also like to take this opportunity to thank Kife for farting on me all night. It was wonderful. I felt as if I was in a video game. Basically I was the hero and he was the evil shit demon who kept putting hate clouds of fuck on my “guy”. If I were to take count I would’ve died on 20 different occasions. I’d rather be eaten by an alligator in pitfall.

I’m also going to say that it sucks being the last one awake. I took a 40 minute reboot nap earlier. It wacked me out a touch but helped. Now everyone is crashed the fuck out and I’m obsessing about pelicans and farts. What kind of fucking life am I leading? I need to go back to farming sheep and selling them for heroin.

On a lighter note the days are getting longer. This means that if you’re out hunting smurfs it will be easier to catch one. Little blue fuckers are tough to see at night. I NEED smurfberries. They go good with sheep heroin.

Feel the burn….

…when you wake up in your own bed and don’t know where you are

…when you had to take a shit when you went to bed but don’t when you wake up. Where did the shit go???

…when you wake up, your underwear is down but your pants are up and buttoned. How does that happen?

…when you write the worlds best song drunk but don’t record it or remember it.

- Pretko plays with a bongo cock! A bongo cock! Pretko plays with a bongo cock merrily every dayyyyy!

…when you wake up, realize you’re in a bed with someone you shouldn’t be, walk home THE WRONG WAY and end  up eating a red egg salad sandwich at snappy’s only to find out it’s ham and you’re still quite drunk.

…texting people at 12:30am when you’re loaded. They know you’re drunk and damn well don’t want to hang out with you at that point. Obviously you should’ve called them earlier.

…7.00 jack and coke pitchers

…This morning

…The fact I don’t have pancakes and really want them

…why am I typing “…” before everything I type?

Ugh. I’m going to surf the web and take a phantom dump I think. My sense is not making.

I haven’t logged in here for about 8 months. Needless to say I had 15,000 “comments” about making my dick bigger while getting ripped I have to moderate. 769 pages to go! Yea!

Thankfully I got drunk on 22oz of Arrogant Bastards the other night and convinced Mr. M to make a fanpage on Facebook. Seems to be going OK. Time will tell.

Sadly I’m not drunk right now. I’m in a drug-induced zombie coma that prevents rem sleep. It’s not to the point where I’m losing my mind yet but that shall come soon no doubt.

The drugs also leave me horribly uninspired. I can’t think of a damn entertaining thought, quip or anecdote  right now.

I’ll throw some general knowledge from observations I’ve had lately instead..

1.If you see a tan Camry in State College stay out of it’s way. There’s probably Asians driving and they WILL hit you.

2.There are a lot of people out there who can’t spell. They’re also ignorant of most browsers spell checkers.

3.I’m surprised that Facebook is the new hotness and Myspace is dying. Bet the people who paid 500mil for it a few years ago are pissed.

4.Binge drinking is only fun if you’re at a party and you don’t end up alone on a floor with a cold cheeseburger by your head.

5.My friend Art enjoys being punched in the face when he’s drinking. I still don’t know why to this day.

6.Everyone is dumber than I am unless I say so.

7.If you live in an area that’s either going to shake, flood, blow away or provide no food you should move.

8.Take personal responsibility for your actions and quit blaming other things and people. You did it. Man/woman up to it.

That’s all I have for 5:54am right now. Maybe there will be more later..

Kife’s birthday. Strippers and booze and viruses. Guuitar heros and sleepyhead. I am junk at this point. My nose is raw my throat is that of sandpaper and my liver paINS Of   DRUGS. Sorry about the caops I be the fuck.

I have liquid cominbg out of everywhere that it should noot but I percebver. Fuck./ I’m, doner. Tell your friends of my legend.

Kife and I went to a “discount clothes” place today. It was a place for second hand clothes. Oddly enough I found one thing I liked that fit - my stand by black shirt. I wear black/dark colors a lot. Sadly I’m as pale as a dead albino’s ass and it makes my head look like a 300w lightbulb on top of a black curtain. Still, it’s sliming. Yay.

Back to the point.. what the FUCK is with the “in” clothes today? Every fucking thing had some kind of embroidered ebonics-inspirted claptrap of fuck. If it doesn’t chances are it’s a brightly colored homosexual rainbow-esque travesty. I don’t want a shirt that says “John Deere” on it outlned in gold sequins. I could give two shirts about a green shirt that says “New York” in a offset font. I’M IN THE MIDDLE OF PENNSYLVANIA!

Some of the shit is ok. Things that have a small logo on them in a mostly solid color are good with me. However these things are hard to come by. When solid colors and short sleeve’s come back I’m going to be one stylish motherfucker.

Since we’re on style what the hell is up with guy’s hair styles these days? Why do you WANT to look like people looked like in the 70’s? That was the ugliest age of man. I’d rather wear a white wig from the 1700’s and leggings than walk around like a self-involved douche fuck with my “I just came in my hair and messed it up so I can be trendy” haircut. Fuck. That.

Essentially.. Be who you are. Don’t be a sheep. Fucking putzes.

About 15 minutes ago I found out that my ex girlfriend has a new man. Normally this wouldn’t bother me but I really did like this girl. I had to end it because of distance. I really felt that it wouldn’t work. We were both starting new careers and barely saw each other. When I did see here though it was always great. We had a short time together but I’ll always have the memories.

Sorry that I suck tonight. Just feeling fucked up. Next time I post it will be about midgets and ass-pigs. Hoo-fucking-rah.

Well shit, I’m 34 now. It sucks but it’s also cool. It’s cool because for the first time in my life I feel excellent. I’m in a good place with a good job and excellent friends.

Last year at this time I was laid off, had no direction and didn’t know what I was doing. This year I’m sitting in a nice place and being pretty much content.

I guess this past year has taught me to never settle. Always take some chances and go for it. The feeling of accomplishment when things are achieved is unprecedented. I can only hope that 34 to 35 will be even better.

Anyway, that’s all I got. I’m going to try to not get as fucked up in recent weeks so I can go on a tirade about shit.

L8z.

I haven’t written for awhile and for that I apologize.

Why is because I’ve been TOO blasted, too tired or just too damn uninterested to put my fingers to the keyboard.

Tonight I’m awake while everyone is sleeping. It’s annoying. I had a rough day battling the evils of a hangover and when I finally recover everyone is crashed out. I need to get on a better schedule I suppose.

Anyway, um.. fuck.. I have nothing. I need something to go off about. Someone give me an idea or subject and I’ll be more than happy to write something about it.

Ham.

To all of those who read this I just want to wish you a happy new year. May it be prosperous and full of sex. Get some!

To those who have negative things to say or think about me.. I hope a fucking airplane falls on your head and smashes your head straight through your ass. You’re not good enough to associate with me and I hope the pain that I’ve felt throughout my life hits you ten fold.

That being said I’m only buzzed now. I’ve smoked many a smoke and drank many a drink. I may or may not remember this. I’m tired as fuck and my feet feel like they’ve been lit on fire, had midgets dance on them and BBQ’d my toes in acid. However it’s the only way I’m able to stay awake to party.

I had like 4 red bulls and vodka tonight. I also had 2 Monkey Boys as well as Southern at the house and shots. It’s suprising to me that I can still type. I guess anger helps the mood.

Ever been on a good high where you’re feeling good about yourself only to have someone bring you down? That happened to me tonight. I had a great night. Feeling good, making new friends and enjoying what the new year had to bring. One person and one comment ruined it for me. Why do people have to be so petty? Are they unhappy with themselves? I’d love for folks like that to walk in mine or other people’s shoes sometime. We’ll see just has condesending one can be.

Anyway enough of the emo shit… Happy New Year to all and to all a drunken night!

Whats witrh the fucking spam man? I log in to see my comments and theress fucks with “JGRGDFdfgfdgfddssds…////” wanting to approve comments.

I would like them to die in flames with hiv injected needles probing them in the ass while satan sodomizes their mothers. That’s it. I’m drun and may puke.